Facebook is getting religion with new Sabbath Mode

February 5, 2022

FROM THE SATIRE DESK

MENLO PARK, CALIFORNIA – A humanoid resembling Mark Zuckerberg told a room full of tech bros, “As atheists, our faith is in science and we believe the future will be people lying in the dark seeing ads and buying things with a flick of their eyeball." Zuck paused to sip convincingly from a glass of water, "but most of our daily users believe in a supreme Creator."

Meta is desperate to recoup $10 Billion in lost ad revenue due to selfish rivals at Apple who are keeping all the tracking to themselves. Zuck continued, "by giving our users a Sabbath Mode, we hope 1.9 billion people worldwide will trust us again."

Users who activate the mode can enjoy Sundays without the rest-of-the-week distractions. “We deeply respect the Christians and Jews who observe a holy day each week. We want them to feel welcome on our social platforms even on their holy day.”

Sabbath mode removes content such as:

Sports posts
Non-believers who pretend to have "honest concerns"
Non-believers who don't donate, who think churches should be taxed
Wordle scores
Ads for exercise equipment

Early beta tester, Dave Beesknees, said, "Originally I thought Sabbath mode would be boring, but now I'm hooked and I leave it on all week. I like Facebook now. Is that weird?"