From the satire desk /
GILBERT, AZ — Universal Studios Pictures executives are overjoyed at the reception of Diet Coke Bear in key markets along the Wasatch Front and Mormon Corridor. Audiences from Gilbert to Pocatello loved it.
"He eats berries and very little meat, and he uses tobacco, but only for bruises and sick cattle. Totally adorable!" said one Gilbert Arizona moviegoer.
But executives are baffled about the dismal box office receipts outside of that region.
"We're just sad Diet Coke Bear flopped in the rest of the country" said a Universal Pictures executive who asked not to be named. "But we're not giving up! We're releasing a less edgy, Cocaine Bear, for audiences who just didn't connect with the diet cola storyline." — Universal Studios Executive
The studio is planning a straight-to-streaming sequel, Funeral Potato Cougar for the Arizona, Idaho, Utah, markets.