Hollywood Shocker: Diet Coke Bear Smashes Box Office Records

Hollywood Shocker: Diet Coke Bear Smashes Box Office Records

From the satire desk /

GILBERT, AZ — Universal Studios Pictures executives are overjoyed at the reception of Diet Coke Bear in key markets along the Wasatch Front and Mormon Corridor. Audiences from Gilbert to Pocatello loved it. 

"He eats berries and very little meat, and he uses tobacco, but only for bruises and sick cattle. Totally adorable!" said one Gilbert Arizona moviegoer.

But executives are baffled about the dismal box office receipts outside of that region.  

"We're just sad Diet Coke Bear flopped in the rest of the country" said a Universal Pictures executive who asked not to be named. "But we're not giving up! We're releasing a less edgy, Cocaine Bear, for audiences who just didn't connect with the diet cola storyline." — Universal Studios Executive

The studio is planning a straight-to-streaming sequel, Funeral Potato Cougar for the Arizona, Idaho, Utah, markets.

No bears or Hollywood studios were harmed in the making of this satire.
Back to blog

Awesome LDS gifts, shirts, and jewelry

1 of 4
  • BYU Introduces New Super Easy, One Question Admissions Test

    BYU Introduces New Super Easy, One Question Adm...

    From the satire desk BYU has a new admissions test for Freshmen and it's super easy.  One aspiring student told us anonymously, “I was relieved they didn’t ask if General...

    BYU Introduces New Super Easy, One Question Adm...

    From the satire desk BYU has a new admissions test for Freshmen and it's super easy.  One aspiring student told us anonymously, “I was relieved they didn’t ask if General...

  • Sola Stitch logo collage with Bo ho looks, graphic tees, tunic tops and gold jewelry

    Introducing Sola Stitch, the collection for LDS...

    Check out our newest seller collection, Sola Stitch! 🧵🪡   Sola Stitch offers modern, modest fashion, and LDS apparel featuring maxi skirts, long skirts, and exquisite yet simple jewelry, perfect for...

    Introducing Sola Stitch, the collection for LDS...

    Check out our newest seller collection, Sola Stitch! 🧵🪡   Sola Stitch offers modern, modest fashion, and LDS apparel featuring maxi skirts, long skirts, and exquisite yet simple jewelry, perfect for...

  • Free Live Stream: How to Watch Kolobyte's Pioneer Day Music Broadcast 2023

    Free Live Stream: How to Watch Kolobyte's Pione...

    From the culture desk / Free Pioneer Day Live Music Stream, Celebrating Mormon Pioneers With Electronic Music Show  LDS electronic artist Kolobyte always delivers an energetic music and lights show. He's...

    Free Live Stream: How to Watch Kolobyte's Pione...

    From the culture desk / Free Pioneer Day Live Music Stream, Celebrating Mormon Pioneers With Electronic Music Show  LDS electronic artist Kolobyte always delivers an energetic music and lights show. He's...

1 of 3