From the Satire Desk
PALM BEACH, FLORIDA — The 45th United States President Donald Trump, announced Monday that the F.B.I. had raided his Mar-a-Lago home and broke into his “big, beautiful, million dollar, top of the line safe. Believe me.”
F.B.I. agent [REDACTED] leaked the ‘top secret’ documents that were seized during the raid when he posted them to his Myspace account. The account has since been taken down.
The social media post read in part;
“Right there, in the safe, behind a crusty McDonald’s napkin that said NUCLEAR CODES FOR SLEEPY JOE, was a combined 116 pages of very old parchment paper with handwritten cursive that was very faded and hard to read. The Bureau has sought the help of Benjamin Franklin Gates, historian and amateur cryptographer, who stole the Declaration of Independence back in 2004, to find out what these pages contain.”
The F.B.I. released the pages to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, in exchange for coveted Stadium of Fire 2023 tickets at BYU’s Lavell Edwards stadium, and the Church’s historians pledged to work tirelessly to transcribe and publish The Book of Lehi.
Ben Gates, on Tuesday tweeted, “My ancestor, Charles Anton said he couldn’t read a sealed book, but these aren’t sealed! They are the original manuscript pgs that Joseph Smith Jr. lent his friend Martin Harris, only to end up disappearing & being lost 4EVR.. until now! “I, Lehi, make a record of all my days…””
Church historians from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are now working tirelessly to transcribe, contextualize, and eventually publish what they say will be called The Book of Lehi.
Orem Utah student Madysen, fellow Latter-day Saint, said, “I always start the Book of Mormon by reading I Nephi, having been born of goodly parents… I guess I’ll have to get used to starting with, “I Lehi, make a record of all my days…”
This is satire, in collaboration with @falslevdenmark. Most Latter-day Saints will know the 116 pages refer to the 194 year old manuscript pages that Joseph Smith Jr. allowed his friend Martin Harris to take to Palmyra to show to his disbelieving wife. It turned out Harris' wife and other anti-Mormons plotted to steal the pages in an attempt to tarnish Smith’s reputation. Their plot failed when the Lord warned Joseph. This article is satire, but if those pages ever do turn up, we’re here for them, all 116 of them.
Also, this site is not political, but we wholeheartedly embrace traditional values, and we highly recommend voting.