FROM THE SATIRE DESK
PLYMOUTH — Newly discovered texts between Wampanoag warrior Samoset and English settler, William Bradford reveal annoyance over the first Thanksgiving menu.
Samoset: I know we're bailing you out here, but can you guys at least bring a side dish? Maybe some creamed corn?
Bradford: Our supplies are depleted, and our most of our crops failed. Many in the settlement are malnourished and on the brink of scurvy.
Samoset: Bruh. Can you at least bring some Jell-o salad?
From the Satire desk at Nauvoo Supply Co.
Happy Thanksgiving from Nauvoo Supply Co. We hope you spend it giving thanks to God and to those you love and pour one out for the Wampanoag tribe and Bradford's crew because they showed us how to make peace and break bread over an awkward meal.
